Steve's Naming Guide

I'm back... with a vengence! Feeling refreshed from my ridiculously long hiatus, I feel it's finally time to give my fans another update.

I'll readily admit that I was stumped in coming up with a post for this week, but then I was hit with a burst of inspiration. I was thinking of what I always think about, how great I am, when I began to ponder my name. Steve is one of the best names out there, but a lot of people weren't as lucky when it came to the ol' name-game. Therefore, I present for all potential parents out there my list of unacceptable baby names.

• Skylar: Seriously, I don't know why the hell this name got invented. Looking up it's orgin, the name means being born on an airplane. Given the type of vapid parent that would name a kid Skylar, I'm guessing it's more likely the baby was conceived on an airplane. While the Mile-High Club sounds cool in theory, it's in actuality pretty stupid.
• Adolf: This is really a case of one bad apple ruining the batch. If you insist on this one, I'd reccomend using "Dolph" instead. That way you can say your baby is named after action superstar Dolph Lungren instead of the the biggest jackass is recent history.
• Harriet: First, Harry is a bad name already and feminizing it doesn't make it better. Second, although there are plenty of awesome historical Harriets (like Harriet Tubman or Harriet the Spy,) your kid in all likelihood will be subpar when compared to them.
• Jeffery: I know two people named Jeff and at least 50% of them are total assholes. The name itself wouldn't be bad if it was spelled the correct way: Geoff.
• Dick: Just name the baby "Richard." Seriously.
• George: I don't really have a specific reason for disliking this one. It's clearly a bad name.
• Evan: To be fair, most of the Evans I've known are pretty good guys. That being said, it's a crappy name. The sound of it alone causes me to interpret stupidity as a major trait of the holder of said name.
• Marjory: This is a name you have to grow into. It's pretty unacceptable to be named Marjory until you're in your fifties.
• Lance: With a name like this, no one was really surprised that Lance Bass was gay. That, and the fact he was really fruity.
• Priscilla: With a name like Pricilla, you had better be rich. Same goes for Mercedes... unless you're naming your car.... and the car is, in fact, a Mercedes.
• Place Names: If you name your kid after a city or state (ie. Austin, Dakota, New Jersy,) it looks like you picked a name just by randomly pointing to a place on a map. Actually, that's not a bad idea. I take back all the bad stuff I said about Place Names.
• Steve: This is the greatest name ever. Chances are your kid isn't worthy of it.

At this point you're probably asking yourself, "But what should I name my child?" or, "It took him 3 weeks to come up with this?" To answer your first question: there's simply too many great names out there to list them all. I'll share with you what I'm planning to name my kids to illustrate just how much potential there is out there.

1. My first-born son shall be named Braddock! Braddock is the name of a Chuck Norris character that my son would be required to emulate. My main reason for choosing such a name is that it's a lot of fun to shout out. I'd constantly be yelling, "Braddock! Take out the garbage!" or "Braddock! Mow the lawn!" or perhaps "Braddock! Get me a beer!"
2. My first-born daughter would be named for my favourite character to emerge from the 007 films: Pussy Galore McLellan.
3. My second-born daughter would be named after the holiday Easter. For short, I would call her Easy. I'm assuming she would be popular with the boys during high school.
4. My youngest child would be named Favourite. This child would recieve just as little love as the others, but he would be hated by all his siblings as he'd be viewed as preferential above them. This healthy competition and seething hatred will both help him develop as a self-reliant adult and provide me with a lot of laughs.

In closing, if you are foolhardy enough to have kids, at least have the decency to give them an awesome name (or at the very least give them an awful name, but then make fun of them for it.)