The Next in an Ever-Escalating Series of Odes
With Kim out of the way (and good riddance, I say!) I now have to fulfill my poorly planned out promise and begin odeing up some of my other friends. Next in my rogues gallery is that lovable scamp whom I'm not sure is a regular reader of this blog: Ashley.
1) Ashley is Sure to Perish in a Spectacular Fashion
Perhaps it's morbid, but when Ashley bites the big one, I want to be there! I don't mean to say that I want Ashley to die, (far from it,) but out of everyone I know, she's most likely to go out in style. Ashley herself is convinced that she will meet her demise at the hands (or fins perhaps) of a shark. I personally believe that after she is eaten by this hypothetical shark, the shark will then explode..... into fireworks! I hear that John Williams is in a contract deal right now to compose the score for Ashley's death sequence. It will truly be epic.
2) Ashley is an English Major
It feels good to not be the only one in my circle of friends with a less-than-useful-career-wise degree. Unlike everyone else, Ashley has not sold out to "The Man" (AKA "Whitey.") Majoring in English may seem like a small step in battling "The Man," but it's an important one. Whenever someone graduates with a fine arts degree, "the Man" weakens a little. Sadly, the battle is going against us hapless freedom fighters because for every English major, there's always 3 more business majors (or even, god help us, accountants) willing to sell their souls.
3) Ashley Provides a Counterpoint to my Philosophy of Non-Violence
I like to paralyze my foes with my scintillating wit and devilish good looks, but Ashley prefers to let her fist do the talking. Though I've been quoted in the past as calling this method of self-defense the "Neanderthal's Way," I'm willing to let it slide in Ashley's case. This is useful to me because if I ever needed someone beaten up, I'm pretty sure Ashley would do it for me for under $50. I'm not afraid she'll use her deadly martial skills on me because without the advantage of surprise she is clumsy and uncoordinated against one as agile as I.
4) Ashley an Accomplished Dancer and Classically Trained in the Arts
Just Kidding. I made that one up.
5) Ashley is a Patron of Bad Movies
Good movies are okay, but the true joy of cinema lies in the epicly bad movies. Personally, I would rather watch a poorly dubbed Jet Li movie over Shindler's List any day. And so would Ashley. For most people, convincing them to watch Road House would be a difficult feat to accomplish, but Ashley is one of those lucky few who can see the true value in Patrick Swayze's Magnum Opus.
6) To My Knowledge, Ashley Doesn't Regularly Read My Blog
This means I can say mean things about her and not have to fear any consequences. I can even get away with giving a really crappy number 6 on my ode list to her without ever worrying that she'll find out.
posted by Steve @ 7:58 p.m.
4 comments
4 Comments:
Just your luck, I gave Ashley your blog address two days ago so she could read the series of "Ode" blogs.
Sucker!
3 day have passed with no new posts. I think I dodged the bullet.
You may have dodged the bullet, or maybe she's waiting in the shadows to hurt you in person tomorrow at the Den. Then again, given points 3 and 6, this is highly unlikely.
In true English nerd style I have composed a counter-ode to Steve.
Ode to Steve
On Steve’s blog is an ode to me
He’s placed it there for all to see.
I’ll not be fooled by his “flattery”
But rather respond poetically
As we all know, Steve’s a nerd
And anyone whose ever heard
Him speak of life or girls or turd
Will assume he’s quite absurd
They’d be right as we all know
McLellan lives to give a show
From his big talk to mini ‘fro
He’ll light a fire in the disco
So Kim shouts “Steve”: you “Sexy Bitch!”
And in time he’ll start to twitch
(he calls it dancing, which is rich)
But your sides will start to stitch
His overt affection for video games
We can address by many names
Geeky, dorky, so gay it flames
But without them Fridays would be lame
I punch him often which I’m sure hurts
So instead I’ll complement his shirts
Argyle, plaid, sweater vests, the works
He’s a fabulous fashion expert!
Finally, and I do digress,
I’ll ode the quality which fits him best
Oh the memories I’ve repressed
Of Steve’s karaoke summer songfest
The voice that fills the car at night
Provides my dreams with tantamount fright
To the equally appalling sight
Of Steve’s sled high in mid-flight
Kim dared him to make the jump
And Steve did like a normal chump
His broken arm, the swelling lump
And Kim’s ego nice and plump
The scream he cried is just as fair
As his singing voice extraordinaire
Oops! What a moment I do declare
I forgot I wasn’t there!
Now it’s time to utter adieu
But one more word before I do
A sentiment I’d like to renew:
Steve’s place is marked like a tattoo
He’ll never be replaced for us
He’s got a presence like twelve ninjas.
And before you applaud a right ruckus
I made you read a poem suckas!
Post a Comment
<< Home