Yet Another One of These Odes

3 weeks since I've begun and I'm still trudging through these odes. My enthusiasm may be waning at this point (as may the enthusiasm of readers,) but I'm going to keep at it, because my friends deserve their goddamned odes.

Next up is Jeff. Like Kim, he too has a blog that features me so you should totally check it out. As the Fight To Survive Blog reveals many of Jeff's awesome attributes (for example: a love of commandos and teen sex marathons,) I'll try not to relist them here. Anyhoo, here we go:

1) Jeff is my Human Shield

Jeff and I have been actively engaged in hijinx for many a year now, and though we work our tomfoolery in tandem, there's a clear dynamic to how we work. Jeff and I share a rambuncous sense of humour and a willingness make asses of ourselves, but it's our diferences that make us a classic duo. The main one that I can think of (and reader familiar with Jeff and I are free to add more of their own,) is that Jeff is generally an affable, sincere, nice-guy, while I'm a sarcastic, bitter, jackass. However, our association as a team in many projects has lentme a certain protection from our victims that Jeff lacks; a reverse karma, if you will. For example, Christie is a mutual friend of ours I try to torment relentlessly. Whenever Christie vents her rage, however, Jeff bares most of the brunt. The famous Jesse As A Transvestite incident, which I won't go into here, is similar in it's consequences. When Jeff's around, I can be more of a jerk than ever because I know that he'll get blamed for it.


2) Jeff is Always Prpeared to Throw Down

Jeff isn't known for his athletic prowess, (he's not NOT known for it either. He's just not, you know, a jock or anything,) but if I ever got in a fight I know he'd have my back whether I liked it or not. The reason I may not like him helping out in a bad situation is that he may, in some cases, maybe escalate it a bit too much. You see, Jeff is one crazy motherfucker. In high school, he'd carry a knife at all time "just in case." (Maybe to open a box or cut a rope, but most likely to cut some assailant up.) In an incident I'm pretty sure he made me vow never to talk about, he curb-stomped a textbook that pissed him off. I wouldn't mess with Jeff if I were you. He will fuck you up.

3) Jeff Has this Weird "Planet of the Apes" Monkey Fetish

The less said about that, the better.

4) Jeff Loves Bad Movies

This is pretty much the same as the attribute I noted in my Tribute to Ashley. It may seem like a cop-out to repeat it, but I think it bares mentioning twice. Seriously. In fact, Jeff really helped fan the flame of my own love of bad movies. He's the guy who introduced me to Charleton Heston, a man who's been in a lot of the crappiest movies I've ever seen.

5) Jeff and Me Got History

Me and Jeff can just say casual phrases to each other like, "Some punks threw anthrax in Jeff's little brother's face," or "Where's the money you son of a bitch?" or "Bukkake!" and we'll both break out laughing while others don't find it at all funny. He and I have dozens of classic schemes and jokes that no one else really gets and it's kind of come to the point where we can talk to each other entirely in incomplete movie quotes and have a decent conversation.

6) Jeff Studies Geology

I'd talk more about this, but it seriously bores me to tears.