Better Late Than Never? Er, Maybe Not This Time...

So, I'm a bit late. I've been waiting for a story to tell, but may have to ask you all to be patient for a little while longer. I'm involved in some unresolved drama right now, and I'm desperately hoping that something funny will come out of it. So far, no real luck, just a lot of, well, drama. I'd regale you with those stories, but none of them have an ending yet. I'm actually having a hard time envisioning a happy end for any of them, but that was never really a requirement (ex. That whole nude picture story.)

In something of a coincidence, I've noticed several articles about blogging in the media lately. One of them cited proper ways to make a successful blog (ways which, incidentally, I fail to really achieve.) The other was commenting how the trend was rapidly dying. Looking at my friend's blogs, I guess this is true. I don't know whether I should be proud that I'm the last one standing or if I should be embarrassed. Thankfully, I haven't considered ending the blog (I still get enough laughs from it to justify it's existence,) but I'm feeling stagnant. Give me a while and I'll try to come up with some interesting filler until I attempt something suitably wacky, or at least fool-hearty. I need some opportunities for mischief, I think.

Also, I'm moving out over the next little while, so don't expect my posting schedule to get much better. Computer access may be a little spotty until May.

Anyhow, enough of the depressing stuff. I'll try to tap into something funny as soon as I can.

100 Random Questions!

Hey everyone. Instead of doing a regular post, I'm going to answer one of those annoying chain emails I occasionally get. It my not be as interesting as a regular post, but it kils just as much time. For added fun and time-wasting, you can answer the survey yourself. I don't know if it'll all fit in a comment box, but you can email it to me so I can critique it and make funof you. Who knows? Maybe I can milk another ost out of it.

Also, props to Kim for updating again. Let's all hope it catches on this time.


1OO RANDOM QUESTIONS SURVEY:

1. 4th grade teacher's name:
I want to say Mrs. Berger, but I think she might have been grade 5.

2. Last words you said:
Outloud: Okay, thanks...
Under My Breath: ...jackass.

3. Last song you listened to:
My Oh My by Aqua. It was glorious.

4. Last person you hugged:
Regular readers of the blog probably know who. Believe me, We're going to have a DTR Talk someday.

5. Last thing you laughed at:
I was watching Walker: Texas Ranger, and Walker suddenly randomly punched a guy right in the mouth. I was all like, "What the heck?"

6. Last time you said I love you and meant it?
I was reading Archie comics and may have said "I love you" to Veronica. She's pretty smokin'.

7. Last time you cried:
I'm pretty manly, so I don't cry very often. I think the last time was last week when my sister ate the last of the orange popsicles.

8. What do you think of the colour yellow?
I'm fond of yellow as a concept, but am always disappointed when I encounter it in real life.

9. What color socks are you wearing:
White, but then I stepped on a loose staple and started bleeding a bit.

10. What's under your bed:
Monsters.

11. What time did you wake up:
I woke up at 7:00, 8:00, 8:30, and 8:45 today.

12. What's your least favorite ice cream:
I don't really like Tiger-Tiger ice-cream, but for the longest time I pretended I did so I wouldn't appear unpopular.

13. Current hair:
Short and brown. At the rate I'm balding, I fully expect this to change in a couple of months.

14. Do you have a fish tank, if so how big:
No.

15. Current annoyance:
I'm on question 15, and I just realized I have 85 more questions to go.

17. Current desktop background:
A picture of the Fight To Survive crew posing menacingly outside of Lazer Quest.

18. If you could play any instrument what would be:
I think it would be cool to play the banjo, but only if I were the best banjo player in the world. It's far less cool if you're only second best.

19. Favorite color(s):
My favourite colour is black, like the colour of my soul. I also like Burnt Sienna.

29. How tall are you?
5 feet, 10 and a half inches. I always feel bad about adding on the half inch, but I don't want to lie and say I'm 5'11''.

31. Favorite Show:
Arrested Development, if it wasn't cancelled.

32. Favorite season:
Fall. Spring is pretty sweet too.

36. What is your career going to be like:
Terrifying and short, puncuated by a shocking display of violence and bad language.

37. How many kids do you want:
I think the ideal scenario would be to have at least one hundred children,all of questionable parentage. Truthfully, I'd be thrilled if Child Services allowed me to have even one child.


HAVE YOU EVER:

39. Said "I love you":
Yes. I've said it to my grandparents, my parents, my dog, Veronica, my reflection, Mandy Moore, and Batman.

40. Ever get into a fight with your pet:
My fights with my dog are so one-sided that I can't even mention them. Once I was attacked by a bird, but it wasn't my pet so it doesn't count.

41. Have you ever been to New York:
No, but I've seen it on tv. I think that's about the same.

42. Been to Arizona:
Yes, I used to go on a yearly basis. I was underwhelmed.

43. Been to California:
I don't think so? Maybe?

44. Been to Hawaii:
No, but I did a report on Hawaii in grade 6. I got 100% on it.

45. Been to Mexico:
Twice, once on each coast.

46. Been to Italy:
Yes. Rome and Venice were nice, but I'm pretty sure I never want to go back to that country ever again.

47: Been to Ireland:
No, I can get drunk, pick fights, and speak intelligibly at home.

48. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?:
No. It was close one time, but at the end of the dream I turned into the Incredible Hulk, and that part didn't happen in real life.

52. Do you have a crush on someone?:
Naturally. The interesting thing about my crushes is that I was wrong to have crushes on every single one of them. Seriously. I don't know where my head was at.

53. What book are you reading now?:
I'm reading Hawke, a book about a secret agent. So far, Hawke hasn't had any sdventures besides lying on the beach drinking margaritas.

54. Where is it?:
On my bedside table. I can't imagine anyone giving an interesting answer to this question.

55. What is the first thing you think when you wake up in the morning?:
Went to the bathroom. It was great.

56. How many rings before you answer your phone?:
I usually go for two. Sometimes one. If I don't get to it before 3, I usually don't even bother answering.

57. Future daughter's names:
I'm pretty sure I went over this in an earlier post.

58. Future son's names:
This too.

59. What do you sleep with:
2 feather pillows, 1 blanket, and a sense of smug superiority.

60. What do you wear to sleep:
Pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

61. Where are you:
Right now? At work.

62. Where do you wish you were?:
At home, I guess. I'd be happy pretty much anywhere.

63. Piercings:
No.

64. Tattoos:
One on my shoulder. It's very tiny. I ought to get another one.

THE EXTRA STUFF:

67. Where are you staying tonight:
My house. The implication that I should be staying somewhere else saddens me.

70. Who is the last person who called you?:
No body ever calls me. Except for all the times that they do.

71. Where do you want to get married:
I'm a fan of the traditional settings like a church. I'm against outdoor weddings because birds have been known to attack me.

72. Have you ever drank:
Yes. I approve of drinking.

73. Hate:
Pretty much everything and everyone at one point or another.

74. Are you or have you Been In Love:
Nope. I once thought I was in love, but it turned out to be heartburn. Some rolaids took care of that.

75. Are you timely or always late:
I used to always be on time, but then I lost my faith in punctuality and started being late. However, I'm only 2 minutes late, so I guess i'm still on time.

77. Do you like being around people:
Sure.

78. Best feeling in the world:
Watching tv by yourself at 4:00 in the morning while eating cookies and drinking long island iced-teas. Pretty much a daily occurance for me.

82. Are you lonely right now:
Yes, but as soon as I'm with someone, that I wish I was lonely again. Seriously, it's the better of the two options.

86. Do you want kids:
No way man, I'm no pedophile! This is a pretty sick question. I feel like I'm being persecuted for something I haven't even done.

THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:

87. Cried:
Yes, but it was because of allergies. I'm really very manly. I also cried because I couldn't buy a slurpee.

88. Bought something:
I tried to buy a slurpee, but I didn't have enough money.

89. Gotten Sick:
No.

90. Sang:
Yes. I sing everytime I'm in my car. I also so a bit of dancing.

91. Said "I love you". ?
No, the next issue of Betty and Veronica isn't out until Wednesday.

92. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them:
Wherever you are mandy Moore, I still love you. Please start doing movies again.

94. Moved On:
No. I actually took several steps backwards in many different areas of my life.

95. Talked to someone:
I said hi to someone at school, but she didn't hear me. I also talked to some IT guys at work.

96. Had a serious talk:
In the last 48 hours? No. I tend to ruin serious talks by being cheeky and flippant.

97. Missed Someone:
I threw an apple at my sister, but she ducked at the last minute. Also, I wish Mandy Moore would resume her singing and acting career.

100. Yelled at Someone:
No. I'm soft-spoken.

Seriously, You People Don't Deserve Me

I'd like to start out with a simple question: Why the heck isn't anyone else updating their blogs anymore? I'm pretty inconsistent with my updates, but I've never let you yokels down yet. Meanwhile, none of the blogs I'm linked to have updated in over a month. Get on the ball, people! Seriously!

Once again, I'm updating without a specific topic in mind. That means I'll have to resort to another exciting segment of listing the thoughts in my head.

1) It's occured to me that if I were in a a movie, or book, or something, I probably wouldn't be the main character (unless the book was a biography about me, and even then I'd probably only appear in a few chapters. This isn't really a revalation, as I'm sure most people aren't really protagionist-material. What startled me, however, was the realization that I probably would be an antagonist. In most forms of entertainment, people root for the underdog. Exciting stories have the little guy beating the big guy and overcoming adversity and whatnot. This comes up a lot in real life. The thing is, in the little daily contests I go through in life, whenever there's an audience they aren't rooting for me, but rather my opponent. After analyzing the phenonemon a while, I've come the conclusion that I'm the big guy in these contests. Obviously my superiority is evident to all. This is kind of cool, especially because, unlike in the movies, the big guy often beats the little guy in real life.

2) I've been watching movies a lot lately. I've been watching about 2 or 3 a day for the last week or so. A lot of these movies have been really bad, and worse, a lot of the movies I once thought were good suck upon a second viewing. I've been thinking of doing movie reviews in this blog, but decided against it because you can find movie reviews anywhere.

3) I've also come to the deadening realization that I've been single too long. I think this is tied in to the fact I've been watching so many movies. In all these movies there's a romance subplot. Usually I'm pretty ambivilent to romantic subplots, but lately I've been getting sappy and wistful while watching them. When you get sappy about a romantic subplot in a movie like Talladega Nights or Ghost Rider, it's a pretty serious problem. I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. Dating is almost completely out of the question, as my recent bout of wistfulness has left me angry and embittered at the world. I couldn't trust myself not to lash out in violence. I'm thinking that my best bet would be to join a monastary. That way, when people ask why I'm not dating, I could just tell them that I'm a monk (preferably a king-fu monk, with mystical powers.) The life of back-breaking labour would be tough, but on the plus side, the vow of celibacy would be a cinch as I've been celibate for over 2 years now.

4) If you're bored an need something to do, I recommend the following sites:
- www.yachtrock.com - A hilarious video series about smooth 70s music.
- www.baratsandbereta.com - Two guys who make funny videos.
- www.joshreads.com - A guy who makes fun of the comics page.
- www.overheardinnewyork.com - Random conversation from New York

Anyhoo, I'm bored. I think I'm going to go watch a couple of movies.

Steve <3 Valentines Day (But Not Really)

Hey chums! Today is Valentine's day and even though you won't read this post until tomorrow at the earliest, I figured i still had to do the obligatiory Valentines post / rant. As you are probably aware, Valentines Day is all about love, and to a lesser degree, chocolates and flowers and stuff. And who's the greatest expert ever on love? Why it's me, of course! Just listen to some of these testimonials from girls who are totally real:

"Steve is pretty great at love! If it were't illegal in this country, I'd try to pay him for it!"
-anonymous

"Steve is the most adequate lover I've ever had!"
-anonymous

"Man, that Steve is one guy who likes making out entirely too much!"
-anonymous

"Need some love? Why not give Steve a call?"
-wall of a bathroom stall

"When it comes to love, Steve knows what he's talking about! In fact, I'm loving him right now!"
-anonymous

"Steve's pretty good at platonic love, but really shines when it comes to romantic love!"
-anonymous

If that doesn't convince you, then I don't know what will, (except some love from yours truly.)
At this point was going to share some humourous storys of my escapades and misadventures in the field of love, but unfortunately, I can't. There are 3 reasons for this:
1) Some of the stories may involve some ex-girlfriends who probably wouldn't appreciate my kissing-and-telling. That's just rude and inconsiderate.
2) Other stories may be too saucy or just generally inappropriate. I blush everytime someone says a dirty word and may have difficulty telling a story that deals with any taboo topics. Readers also probably don't want to hear storys about my romantic life anyway. There's too much of a risk of them accidently imagining me naked or something.
3) My mom is a regular reader of this blog. Though I have some funny stories here, I don't want my mom reading about a hilarious story that's fairly inappropriate. I mean, her reading the nude pictures story was awkward enough, you know?

So my initial Valentines Day story plan is a bust. I'd try to think of something else to make up for it, but I have an essay due tomorrow that I need to be working one. Perhaps if there are requests, I can regal you with these untold stories next time

The Last Ode? Perhaps?

Okay all you Steve-devotees, Ive had it up to here with these odes. However, despite my growing distaste with them, I've toughed it out and made it to the last one. For weeks, everone's been going crazy trying to figure out who my last ode was going to be dedicated to. Media speculation has been running high, predicting an ode of apocolyptic importance. Vegas bookies have been scrambling to set the odds. People have even been asking me with feigned interest. Well, I don't think anyone's going to be surprised that the last person is none other than Amanda. (Actually, some people probably are surprised by that, but those people are stupid. So nuts to them!)

1) Amanda is Not Especially Clever

Some people are going to be all like, "Ouch for Amanda!" or "Steve is a super-jerk!" but I still find Amanda's slow wits to be more endearing than insulting. I must stress that I don't mean to imply that Amanda is un intelligent. Far from it, in fact! Amanda's at least 3 times as smart as I am. It's just that when it comes to a witty put-down, she's always left in the dust. Amanda sets herself up beautifully for my insults, and as I result I feel like a pretty cool dude everytime I burn her. Tha't partially what makes her an awesome friend.


2) Amanda May be Narcoleptic

Narcolepsy isn't really a positive attribute, but it kind of makes me feel sorry for Amanda, so it bears mentioning. Amanda has a habit of falling asleep during movies, a habit which I find bizarre and more than a little disturbing. I mean, we've all fallen asleep during boring movies at some point in our lives, but likely it isn't something we do on a weekly basis. Amanda throws convention straight out the window andfalls asleep whenever she damn well pleases. As a result, Amanda can not be trusted to give accurate movie reviews. For example, if amanda were to say that a movie was particularly bitchin', I couldn't help but think her sleepy nature has left her movie judging skills fundamentally flawed.
(Fun Fact! Narcolepsy is quite a bit different from Narcophilia, which is itself quite different from Necrophilia. I can't stress this enough.)


3) Amanda Makes All the Plans

Everyone in my circle of friends is such a lazy bum, that we don't usually do something unless Amanda makes us. She may be most responsible for the group being friends for so long. Actually, now that I think about it, Ashley makes a goodly amount of plans as well. Am I the only one who refuses to make plans? This is serious food-for-thought.


4) Amanda is a Geophysicist, or Something Like That

In the future, if I ever need some physics done, I can just turn to Amanda! Actually, I guess shed only be really useful if the physics in question took place underground or something. I'm not too entirely sure if I will make use of her services ever. Geo-science doesn't really directly impact my life that much.


5) Amanda is the One Who Suggested I do This Series of Odes

To be honest, theseodes haven't ended up being as funny as I thought they'd be when I started them. You can direct all hatemail to Amanda.


6) Amanda Keeps Me Up to Date on All the Latest Gossip

Amanda knows all the good stuff, or at least possess the ability to retell it in a good way. Other people try to give me some gossip, but it usually sucks pretty bad. Amanda's anecdotes are kind of like the jokes from Seinfeld in that they all kind of are based around awkward human interaction. The sociologist in me loves this kind of humour on a geeky, pseudo-scientific level. Amanda has a good grasp on that kind of stuff. Also, when telling me this stuff, we're drawn back to my first point: Amdanda leaves herself open for good natured ribbing / serious insulting. Good times.




That's it! I've fulfilled my ode-making obligation to all of you! Davey, I'm not writing anything for you! You're all leeches! Leeches!