Yet Another One of These Odes

3 weeks since I've begun and I'm still trudging through these odes. My enthusiasm may be waning at this point (as may the enthusiasm of readers,) but I'm going to keep at it, because my friends deserve their goddamned odes.

Next up is Jeff. Like Kim, he too has a blog that features me so you should totally check it out. As the Fight To Survive Blog reveals many of Jeff's awesome attributes (for example: a love of commandos and teen sex marathons,) I'll try not to relist them here. Anyhoo, here we go:

1) Jeff is my Human Shield

Jeff and I have been actively engaged in hijinx for many a year now, and though we work our tomfoolery in tandem, there's a clear dynamic to how we work. Jeff and I share a rambuncous sense of humour and a willingness make asses of ourselves, but it's our diferences that make us a classic duo. The main one that I can think of (and reader familiar with Jeff and I are free to add more of their own,) is that Jeff is generally an affable, sincere, nice-guy, while I'm a sarcastic, bitter, jackass. However, our association as a team in many projects has lentme a certain protection from our victims that Jeff lacks; a reverse karma, if you will. For example, Christie is a mutual friend of ours I try to torment relentlessly. Whenever Christie vents her rage, however, Jeff bares most of the brunt. The famous Jesse As A Transvestite incident, which I won't go into here, is similar in it's consequences. When Jeff's around, I can be more of a jerk than ever because I know that he'll get blamed for it.


2) Jeff is Always Prpeared to Throw Down

Jeff isn't known for his athletic prowess, (he's not NOT known for it either. He's just not, you know, a jock or anything,) but if I ever got in a fight I know he'd have my back whether I liked it or not. The reason I may not like him helping out in a bad situation is that he may, in some cases, maybe escalate it a bit too much. You see, Jeff is one crazy motherfucker. In high school, he'd carry a knife at all time "just in case." (Maybe to open a box or cut a rope, but most likely to cut some assailant up.) In an incident I'm pretty sure he made me vow never to talk about, he curb-stomped a textbook that pissed him off. I wouldn't mess with Jeff if I were you. He will fuck you up.

3) Jeff Has this Weird "Planet of the Apes" Monkey Fetish

The less said about that, the better.

4) Jeff Loves Bad Movies

This is pretty much the same as the attribute I noted in my Tribute to Ashley. It may seem like a cop-out to repeat it, but I think it bares mentioning twice. Seriously. In fact, Jeff really helped fan the flame of my own love of bad movies. He's the guy who introduced me to Charleton Heston, a man who's been in a lot of the crappiest movies I've ever seen.

5) Jeff and Me Got History

Me and Jeff can just say casual phrases to each other like, "Some punks threw anthrax in Jeff's little brother's face," or "Where's the money you son of a bitch?" or "Bukkake!" and we'll both break out laughing while others don't find it at all funny. He and I have dozens of classic schemes and jokes that no one else really gets and it's kind of come to the point where we can talk to each other entirely in incomplete movie quotes and have a decent conversation.

6) Jeff Studies Geology

I'd talk more about this, but it seriously bores me to tears.

The Next in an Ever-Escalating Series of Odes

With Kim out of the way (and good riddance, I say!) I now have to fulfill my poorly planned out promise and begin odeing up some of my other friends. Next in my rogues gallery is that lovable scamp whom I'm not sure is a regular reader of this blog: Ashley.

1) Ashley is Sure to Perish in a Spectacular Fashion

Perhaps it's morbid, but when Ashley bites the big one, I want to be there! I don't mean to say that I want Ashley to die, (far from it,) but out of everyone I know, she's most likely to go out in style. Ashley herself is convinced that she will meet her demise at the hands (or fins perhaps) of a shark. I personally believe that after she is eaten by this hypothetical shark, the shark will then explode..... into fireworks! I hear that John Williams is in a contract deal right now to compose the score for Ashley's death sequence. It will truly be epic.


2) Ashley is an English Major

It feels good to not be the only one in my circle of friends with a less-than-useful-career-wise degree. Unlike everyone else, Ashley has not sold out to "The Man" (AKA "Whitey.") Majoring in English may seem like a small step in battling "The Man," but it's an important one. Whenever someone graduates with a fine arts degree, "the Man" weakens a little. Sadly, the battle is going against us hapless freedom fighters because for every English major, there's always 3 more business majors (or even, god help us, accountants) willing to sell their souls.


3) Ashley Provides a Counterpoint to my Philosophy of Non-Violence

I like to paralyze my foes with my scintillating wit and devilish good looks, but Ashley prefers to let her fist do the talking. Though I've been quoted in the past as calling this method of self-defense the "Neanderthal's Way," I'm willing to let it slide in Ashley's case. This is useful to me because if I ever needed someone beaten up, I'm pretty sure Ashley would do it for me for under $50. I'm not afraid she'll use her deadly martial skills on me because without the advantage of surprise she is clumsy and uncoordinated against one as agile as I.


4) Ashley an Accomplished Dancer and Classically Trained in the Arts

Just Kidding. I made that one up.


5) Ashley is a Patron of Bad Movies

Good movies are okay, but the true joy of cinema lies in the epicly bad movies. Personally, I would rather watch a poorly dubbed Jet Li movie over Shindler's List any day. And so would Ashley. For most people, convincing them to watch Road House would be a difficult feat to accomplish, but Ashley is one of those lucky few who can see the true value in Patrick Swayze's Magnum Opus.


6) To My Knowledge, Ashley Doesn't Regularly Read My Blog

This means I can say mean things about her and not have to fear any consequences. I can even get away with giving a really crappy number 6 on my ode list to her without ever worrying that she'll find out.

An Ode Reversal

Recently, a flunky of mine, Kim, wrote an ode to me on her own, lesser known blog. (Which you can check out at http://reflections-on-chaos.blogspot.com/ if you feel like slumming.)

At that point I realized that although I'm adored by all who know me, my friends adore me most of all. Only a complete douchebag could take all of these accolades without returning a few of his own. To that end, I'm going to to 4 rapid updates in a row comprised of odes to my greatest 4 fans. Why cut it down to so few people when I have hundreds to choose from? Because even though I love wasting my free time to entertain you ingrates, even I have limits. To make this easier on everyone, I took the people I'm going to Australia with as the subjects of my writing. I also took Kim, but only because she Ode'd me first.

So to start us off.....


An Ode to Kim

It's almost too easy to write an ode to Kim, as her ode-able qualities are many. I could easily think of thousands of points to make regarding Kim, but since she only listed several of mine in her blog, I'll only do the same for her.

1) Kim Can Shirk Responsibility

People are reading this right now thinking to themselves, "That Steve! He's already become insulting on the first point." That really couldn't be any farther from the truth. In my mind, being able to be irresponsible once in awhile is what makes someone fun. Kim's a serious worker in a seriously boring field, but she'll always be up for going out for drinks, inciting minor riots, and even the occasional karaoke night. In fact, I can honestly say that if it wasn't for Kim, I would never throw karaoke parties at all. She's the one most into the whole thing.
Most of the accountants I know are lame, boring, and anal retentive irritants. Kim may be lame (and also pretty anal retentive,) but she can hold her liquor and is always up for a good time.


2) Kim May, In Fact, Be Evil

If you're reading this blog, you're probably well aware that evil rocks. For example, Metal beats Folk music, Dracula is one classy s.o.b., Sandy from Grease was hotter after her transformation, and the Godfather is routinely is voted the greatest movie of all time. Well Kim can hold her own in the evil department. Her list of misdeeds are many: she broke my wrist, blew up my inflatable chair, stole A Walk to Remember from my little sister, was a business major, and has been observed to kick small animals and children. Heck, if you read Kim's blog you can feel the evil seeping from each post. Sounds pretty damn evil to me.


3) Kim Once Shot a Man in Reno, Just to Watch Him Die

I've got no real evidence on this one, but it sounds like something she'd do.


4) Kim is a Film Connoisseur

Some hacks will buy any old DVD that comes out and wind up with a collection of pure garbage, but not Kim. Only the finest movies earn a place on Kim's shelf. To date, this collection has been extremely discriminating. In fact, Kim has decided only 3 movies qualify for this lofty honour. One is the Sound of Music (chosen, no doubt, due to Kim's appreciation of the Nazis,) the other I can't remember, and the third is a Walk to Remember (this one only half counts as Kim doesn't actually own it. She just stole it from my sister.)
Larger society may not care for these films, deeming them to be "banal" or "crappy," but in this case society is wrong.


5) Kim is Totally a Thesbian

Back in the more carefree days of high school, my group of friends (hereafter refered to as the Clique) still had a sense of fun and adventure. This led us to creating cinematic masterpieces as school projects. These projects would never have existed without Kim. (They also wouldn't have existed with a whole bunch of other people who did an awesome job on these, but this is an ode to Kim.) I believe that I can safely state that these films were the peak of Kim's life, and her talent shows. Kim has a long history of playing villians, meglomaniacs, and middle-aged men. I daresay I have never seen anyone but Kim truly capture the essence of Voltaire, Lenin, or that cruel unnamed factory foreman from the era of the Industrial Revolution.


6) Kim is Seriously Photogenic

Seriously, she should be a model or something.