Steve <3 Valentines Day (But Not Really)

Hey chums! Today is Valentine's day and even though you won't read this post until tomorrow at the earliest, I figured i still had to do the obligatiory Valentines post / rant. As you are probably aware, Valentines Day is all about love, and to a lesser degree, chocolates and flowers and stuff. And who's the greatest expert ever on love? Why it's me, of course! Just listen to some of these testimonials from girls who are totally real:

"Steve is pretty great at love! If it were't illegal in this country, I'd try to pay him for it!"
-anonymous

"Steve is the most adequate lover I've ever had!"
-anonymous

"Man, that Steve is one guy who likes making out entirely too much!"
-anonymous

"Need some love? Why not give Steve a call?"
-wall of a bathroom stall

"When it comes to love, Steve knows what he's talking about! In fact, I'm loving him right now!"
-anonymous

"Steve's pretty good at platonic love, but really shines when it comes to romantic love!"
-anonymous

If that doesn't convince you, then I don't know what will, (except some love from yours truly.)
At this point was going to share some humourous storys of my escapades and misadventures in the field of love, but unfortunately, I can't. There are 3 reasons for this:
1) Some of the stories may involve some ex-girlfriends who probably wouldn't appreciate my kissing-and-telling. That's just rude and inconsiderate.
2) Other stories may be too saucy or just generally inappropriate. I blush everytime someone says a dirty word and may have difficulty telling a story that deals with any taboo topics. Readers also probably don't want to hear storys about my romantic life anyway. There's too much of a risk of them accidently imagining me naked or something.
3) My mom is a regular reader of this blog. Though I have some funny stories here, I don't want my mom reading about a hilarious story that's fairly inappropriate. I mean, her reading the nude pictures story was awkward enough, you know?

So my initial Valentines Day story plan is a bust. I'd try to think of something else to make up for it, but I have an essay due tomorrow that I need to be working one. Perhaps if there are requests, I can regal you with these untold stories next time

The Last Ode? Perhaps?

Okay all you Steve-devotees, Ive had it up to here with these odes. However, despite my growing distaste with them, I've toughed it out and made it to the last one. For weeks, everone's been going crazy trying to figure out who my last ode was going to be dedicated to. Media speculation has been running high, predicting an ode of apocolyptic importance. Vegas bookies have been scrambling to set the odds. People have even been asking me with feigned interest. Well, I don't think anyone's going to be surprised that the last person is none other than Amanda. (Actually, some people probably are surprised by that, but those people are stupid. So nuts to them!)

1) Amanda is Not Especially Clever

Some people are going to be all like, "Ouch for Amanda!" or "Steve is a super-jerk!" but I still find Amanda's slow wits to be more endearing than insulting. I must stress that I don't mean to imply that Amanda is un intelligent. Far from it, in fact! Amanda's at least 3 times as smart as I am. It's just that when it comes to a witty put-down, she's always left in the dust. Amanda sets herself up beautifully for my insults, and as I result I feel like a pretty cool dude everytime I burn her. Tha't partially what makes her an awesome friend.


2) Amanda May be Narcoleptic

Narcolepsy isn't really a positive attribute, but it kind of makes me feel sorry for Amanda, so it bears mentioning. Amanda has a habit of falling asleep during movies, a habit which I find bizarre and more than a little disturbing. I mean, we've all fallen asleep during boring movies at some point in our lives, but likely it isn't something we do on a weekly basis. Amanda throws convention straight out the window andfalls asleep whenever she damn well pleases. As a result, Amanda can not be trusted to give accurate movie reviews. For example, if amanda were to say that a movie was particularly bitchin', I couldn't help but think her sleepy nature has left her movie judging skills fundamentally flawed.
(Fun Fact! Narcolepsy is quite a bit different from Narcophilia, which is itself quite different from Necrophilia. I can't stress this enough.)


3) Amanda Makes All the Plans

Everyone in my circle of friends is such a lazy bum, that we don't usually do something unless Amanda makes us. She may be most responsible for the group being friends for so long. Actually, now that I think about it, Ashley makes a goodly amount of plans as well. Am I the only one who refuses to make plans? This is serious food-for-thought.


4) Amanda is a Geophysicist, or Something Like That

In the future, if I ever need some physics done, I can just turn to Amanda! Actually, I guess shed only be really useful if the physics in question took place underground or something. I'm not too entirely sure if I will make use of her services ever. Geo-science doesn't really directly impact my life that much.


5) Amanda is the One Who Suggested I do This Series of Odes

To be honest, theseodes haven't ended up being as funny as I thought they'd be when I started them. You can direct all hatemail to Amanda.


6) Amanda Keeps Me Up to Date on All the Latest Gossip

Amanda knows all the good stuff, or at least possess the ability to retell it in a good way. Other people try to give me some gossip, but it usually sucks pretty bad. Amanda's anecdotes are kind of like the jokes from Seinfeld in that they all kind of are based around awkward human interaction. The sociologist in me loves this kind of humour on a geeky, pseudo-scientific level. Amanda has a good grasp on that kind of stuff. Also, when telling me this stuff, we're drawn back to my first point: Amdanda leaves herself open for good natured ribbing / serious insulting. Good times.




That's it! I've fulfilled my ode-making obligation to all of you! Davey, I'm not writing anything for you! You're all leeches! Leeches!

Hey everyone,

I'm just taking a break from the last ode (which will be up Moonday night,) to bring you a bit of an interlude that I liked too much to let go.

Ashley, in response to my ode to her, responded in the comments section with a poem that I think is quite lovely. I'm reposting it here for all to enjoy more easily.

Whn you next see Ashley, I demand you give her a high-five for this poem. It beat out Homer's The Iliad on the top 10 list of best poems ever.
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In true English nerd style I have composed a counter-ode to Steve.

Ode to Steve

On Steve’s blog is an ode to me
He’s placed it there for all to see.
I’ll not be fooled by his “flattery”
But rather respond poetically

As we all know, Steve’s a nerd
And anyone whose ever heard
Him speak of life or girls or turd
Will assume he’s quite absurd

They’d be right as we all know
McLellan lives to give a show
From his big talk to mini ‘fro
He’ll light a fire in the disco

So Kim shouts “Steve”: you “Sexy Bitch!”
And in time he’ll start to twitch
(he calls it dancing, which is rich)
But your sides will start to stitch

His overt affection for video games
We can address by many names
Geeky, dorky, so gay it flames
But without them Fridays would be lame

I punch him often which I’m sure hurts
So instead I’ll complement his shirts
Argyle, plaid, sweater vests, the works
He’s a fabulous fashion expert!

Finally, and I do digress,
I’ll ode the quality which fits him best
Oh the memories I’ve repressed
Of Steve’s karaoke summer songfest

The voice that fills the car at night
Provides my dreams with tantamount fright
To the equally appalling sight
Of Steve’s sled high in mid-flight

Kim dared him to make the jump
And Steve did like a normal chump
His broken arm, the swelling lump
And Kim’s ego nice and plump

The scream he cried is just as fair
As his singing voice extraordinaire
Oops! What a moment I do declare
I forgot I wasn’t there!

Now it’s time to utter adieu
But one more word before I do
A sentiment I’d like to renew:
Steve’s place is marked like a tattoo

He’ll never be replaced for us
He’s got a presence like twelve ninjas.
And before you applaud a right ruckus
I made you read a poem suckas!

-Ashley Wishart