Camping in October: A Stupid Idea
Well, I guess I owe y'all a post, don't I ? I have to thank you for your patience (if anyone is still reading.) Although I am an awesome guy, awesome things don't happen to me enough for my tastes. Adventures like posing nude or gay clubbing don't happen every week, leaving mewith precious little to work on. Anyhoo, here's a little story that happened to me a while ago....
A group of my friends decided to go camping. Normally, I'm up for camping without any hesitation. I'm not an outdoorsy guy and I hate nature like any modern, well adjusted person, but dressing like a slob, eating nothing but candy and starting fires? I'm always up for that. This time though, I was a bit hesitant. This camping trip wasa little late in the season. We were looking at the first week of October which is, in the foothills, kinda chilly. We could expect temperatures of 15 to 20 degrees during the day, but it would likely be slightly below zero at night. In any case, I have a strong history of poor decisions and evidently an almost masochistic desire to punish my self so I agreed to go.
Before delving into this tragedy of errors, I'll touch briefly on the cast of characters:
-Kaylee: An ex-girlfriend of mine and the planner of the camping trip. This is the same ex from the nude photos story. We remain fairly good friends due to a shared cynicism. In fact, we've been closer than ever emotionally since the break-up. That being said, the only reason we're closer emotionally is because we both are relatively emotionless.
-Stef: Kaylee's best friend and the photographer of the nude photos story. Sweet girl, but sometimes dumb as a post. I feel safe writing this because I'm pretty sure she hasn't read the blog. At the time of our story, Stef has just began dating Justin.
-Justin: A jock being forced into a group of geeks. This was the first time any of us had met him, but he seemed nice enough. As it turns out, I barely saw him on the trip even though I was in the same tent as him.
-Chelsea: Kaylee's older sister through whom we first met. I think she has the kind of condition I've noticed in most older sisters where she tries to mother everyone. An annoying trait, but she knows better than to try it one me, so we get along fine.
-Peter: Chelsea's boyfriend and a friend of mine since high school. The guy has absolutely no social skills, but if you're used to it, it's not too bad. A pretty twitchy guy in the calmest of times, he kind of loses his head when things go wrong. He was feeling sick at the time, but decided to go camping anyway.
-Chrissy: Chelsea's best friend and roommate. Also very very loud. Especially when drinking. More on that later...
-Lisa: A friend of Kaylee's. I have a minor crush on her, but she's unfortunately dating a guy. I have a history of working out that particular problem (maybe a story I'll tell in a future post,) but in this case, circumstances prevented me from doing so.
-Riley: Lisa's boyfriend. Though I was interested in Lisa, Riley and I had become drinking buddys in the past. This is a bond stronger than blood. Notonly would I now refuse to flirt with his girlfriend, I'd also go out of my way to help them as a couple. This is both honourable and stupid. Riley is a heavy partier while the rest of the group (except me) is composed of lightweights. This will come back to haunt him.
-Steve: That's me! While everyone else began with high expectations and optimism, I was almostpositive something would go wrong. My only goal was to escape unscathed.
The initial goal was two nights camping. We'd head out Friday afternoon and come back Sunday morning. Pretty standard stuff, really. Unfortunately, despite knowing about this trip for weeks, many forgot to book the required work off in time. Notable among them was Kaylee, the person planning the trip. These people wouldn'tbe able to leave the city until 9:30 in the evening. To solve this we divided into 3 cars. Car 1 was driven by me and contained Stef, Justin, and Chrissy. We would leave around 5:30 in the afternoon and get to the campsite early enough to set up both tents and get everything ready for the scragglers. Car 2 was driven by Peter and contained Chelsea and Kaylee. The would leave at 9:30 and get to the campground around 10:30. Finally, Car 3 wasRiley and Lisa who decided to skip the first day entirely and come out Saturday evening.
Car 1 was in trouble from the start. Having to pack a good deal of everyone else's stuff left us fairlly full up. In the end, we had to leave our extra clothing with Car 2 to bring out later. After buying groceries and booze, we finally exited the city about an hour late. When we arrived (after very nearly hitting a deer,) the campsite was pitch black at around 8:00. We divided into teams to get everything set up. Justin and I set up the tents while Stef and Chrissy worked on getting a fire going. Ineptitude reigned on both sides. Chrissy somehow managed to burn an entire bag off wood in less than hald an hour, while Justin and I set up one of the two tents in a way that everyone agreed to be wrong. Unfortunately, no one knew how to make it right, so we decided to just live with it. The latern Chrissy brought ran out of batteries in about 10 minutes, so we had to use the headlights of my car to set up.
Car 2 arrived at about midnight, ridiculously late. This didn't surprise me too much, as the driver, Peter, was a little overly cautious. Somehow, he managed to turn a 45 minute trip into just over 2 hours. After a half-hearted attempt at making campfire conversation, we all just decided to go to bed. I shard a tent with Kaylee, Justin and Stef, while Peter, Chelsea, and Chrissy took the bizarrly lop-sided tent that no one knew how to fix. My sleep was hamperd by being crowded by Kaylee all night. I was unsure of whether she was trying to cuddle or if she was merely trying to steal my body heat. You see, at this point, my and Kaylee's relationship was a little weird. We weren't dating, had no emotional attachment to each other, and yet maintained aspects of a physical relationship. I was of the position that this should be ended, but refused to be the one to bring the conversation up. In a sense, it was kind of like a game of Chicken. whoever wussed out first and admitted they didn't know what was going one would be the loser. It is worth noting that this was probably the most normal of all my relationships.
The next day was cold, but more or less enjoyable. I took a 3 hour afternoon nap, read my book around the campfire, and ate my body weight in potato chips. In the meantime, Stef, Kaylee, and Justin took a walk on the surrounding trails. Apparently, semi-nude photos were taken at some point on this walk, but I chose not to enquire too deeply. In any case, after returning, Kaylee joined us at the fire while Stef and Justin disappeared into the tent for about 7 hours, doing presumably what new annoying couple do. While a few people were scandalized, I was fairly relieved that they had stopped going into the back of my car for hour at a time to make out. Dinner was enjoayble, and everything seemed to be going alright. Then the night from hell started.
Lisa and Riley arrived after dark and then the drinking began. Very quickly Riley got ridiculously drunk. His boisterous behaviour was causing Lisa a lot of embarassment. Mortified at how he was acting, Lisa took him to bed early. Unfortuately, once they were settled Riley began to have trouble holding his liqourand threw up onto Lisa's blanket. She didn't take it well. After screaming for a few minutes, she joined us back at the campfire sobbing. From this point on, it was all about damage control. Riley was barely concious, but still managing to throw up more than I would have thought possible. Everyone else was around the campfire telling Lisa how sorry they were and what a moron Riley was. I was at a bit of a crossroads. I could comfort Lisa like everyone else, thus laying the seeds for my eventual move-making, or I could help Riley sober up, thus fulfilling unspoken obligations to a drinking buddy. The decision was quickly made for me when I noticed no one else was doing anything to fix either mess. Taking charge, I cleaned Riley up and got him safely to bed. I then took Lisa's sweater and blanket down to the pump to clean off. Balancing everything carefully, I was able to comfort and help both and solve a series ofproblems that had everyone else paralyzed. On the plus side, surely karma would help me out. I had displayed a cool head, with compassion for both sides and had unwaveringly done the right thing. Surely, this would impress Lisa. For all I know, it did, but it unfortunately impressed Kaylee more.
The crisis averted, we settled back down to the campfire while Riley snoozed peacefully in the back of his car. At this time, Chrissy beagn to get drunk. As noted earlier, Chrissy is a lous drunk. It was almost 11 at night and we were surrounded on all sides by other campers. The noise-ban was in serious danger of being violated. Chelsea tried to get Chrissy to keep it down, but Chrissy was a combative drunk as well as a noisy one. Chelsea, aloud girl in her own right, took up the challenge. Annoyed at the shouting match and not wanting to have to help pay the inevitable fine that was coming, I decided to go for a walk to remove myself from the situation. Thinking the same, Kaylee joined me.
Looking back this was a mistake. Kaylee and me were not a good couple when dating. She was the kindof girl I would adore when we were together, but would always hate when we were apart. I guess it was chemistry or something. In any case, I was out of any commitment to her and was damn happy to be out. Going on a romantic moonlit walk with her wasn't the best move in these circumstances. It didn't help that I had slightly loosened up from having a few drinks and was being quite deep and even... nice. So here we were. I was being deep, charming, had demonstrated nigh heroic crisis-dealing quailites, and was actually being civil for once (which is a rare event for me.) Basically, I was as attractive as I was ever going to be and my only witness was a girl I had no desire dating. At one point a noise in the bushes startled Kaylee, who, fearing a bear, held onto me for dear life. As a fun aside, her retelling of this story inspired a musically-inclined friend of mine to write a song he entitled "You Can Be My Human Shield." He plans touse this song in a musical he's righting about zombies. It's pretty weird.
Anyway, when we get back to the campsite, things have quieted down and everyone seemed to have managed to entertain themselves imagging what romantic triast Kaylee and I had sneaked off to. Lisa joined us in the first tent and we all went to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, Peter got sick. Apparently, he had been mixing his medicine with alcohol and was feeling the effects. Concerned with his fever, Chelsea decided that he couldn't sleep outside tonight and needed a hotel. Naturally, none were near, so she decided he had to be taken home. Unfortunately, Peter was too sick to drive and Chelsea had never gotten her licence. The only drivers there were me,Kaylee, Justin, and Riley. The campsite was under Kaylee'sname so she was needed to signout the next day. I couldn't leave my car at the campground for someone else to drive back. Riley was unconcious. Justin volunteered. Despite my concerns (I was pretty sure he was drunk,) he and Stef drove Peter and Chelsea back to Calgary. Given the time of night, they chose not to pack anything and left it all for me to take care of. The rest of us went to sleep.
The next day was tedious. the 5 of us who were left had to deal with the packing of 9 people. Riley and Chrissy were too hung over to be considered even remotely useful, so it was down to Kaylee, Lisa, and me. Wepacked what we could with Lisa and Riley and then sent them home. In a feat of packing ingenuity that impresses me to this very day, I managed to pack eveything else into my car with the help of Kaylee and chrissy. Glad to see the end of the trip, I started the car. The car wouldn't start. I began to have flashbacks to the previous nights, notably the actions of Stef and Justin. The back of my car was their prefered make-out spot, and as it turns out, their clandestine meetings had both satisfied their teenage lust and killed my battery.
It was a minor annoyance, thankfully. We were able to get a boost from another camper and were somewhat less merrily on our way. When we got back to the city, we all rendevouzed at Peterand Chelsea's place to get everyone's stuff back to them. Everyone was greatful for the sacrifices I mead on this trip and the group wanted to take me out to lunch. I looked over the grateful faces of my frineds and made the only sensible decision: I decided I never wanted to see any of them again. I made a lame excuse to get out of lunch, (I think it was something like, "Oh, I can't. It's er... my mom's... birthday?") In any case it worked and I retired home for some rest and relaxation.
I'm still friends with all involved, but to this very day (a whole 3 weeks later,) I refuse to openly acknowledge the camping trip. I only refer to it ominously as "that weekend" and hang my head solemnly. Actually, as I was one of the few to escape major disaster on the trip, I'm one of the least grim about it. I'd like to end with a moral lesson or a pithy remark, but I'm seriously drawing a blank here. I guess the lesson is: if something seems like a bad idea, it probably is.
posted by Steve @ 6:55 p.m.
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