Steve FAQs

Hello everyone! I foolishly thought that I could get away with not updating for 3 weeks. I thought no one would notice. Imagine my surprise when I found my inbox was stuffed full of angry outcries demanding the blog live again. Yes, the public just can't get enough Steve. This post is dedicated to my thousands (millions? Dozens?) of worldwide fans. It would take too long to answer all of my fans emails, so I have taken some of the questions I am most frequently asked and will now answer them here.

What is good in life?
In the words of Gengis Khan (and Conan the Barbarian,) "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters." That sounds pretty sweet to me.

Judging by your writing, you seem kind of vain. Are you Narcissistic?
Narcissistic?! I'm too GREAT to be narcissistic! Why can't any of you fools see that!?

God damn it, Steve! Why don't you ever update your blog?
An inspiration teacher I once had told me that if I was serious about being a writer, I should write for half an hour every day, no matter what. Obviously I'm not serious about being a writer.

Why are you such a jerk all the time?
I know I seem like a jerk, but perhaps my abrasiveness is merely a mask I put on for the world in order to hide an insecure and frightened inner soul.

Really?
No, but people don't get as mad at me when I say that. I'm a jerk because I think it's funny.

Coke or Pepsi?
From a can or bottle, Coke is better, from a fountain or something, Pepsi is better. That being said, they really don't taste all that different, and seeing as I most enjoy spiced with some rum or amaretto, it doesn't really matter which one I get.

Who's the biggest influence on your life?
Obviously, it's the person I most admire and respect: Batman. Whenever my life runs into a rough patch, I sk myself "What would Batman do?"

Have you run out of fake questions to ask yourself already?
Maybe. I figure that's enough for one post anyhow. Perhaps next time, I'll have more. Until then, I'll keep all my fans waitting in suspense.

Words and Phrases That Need to Make a Comeback

English is the greatest language in the world. We've got more words than we know what to do with and can link them together in the most expressive and beautiful way imaginable. Sadly, words go out of style too quickly for my taste. How many times do you hear someone say "bummer" or "radical" these days without being ironic? Here's some phrases that I haven't heard nearly enough in the last while and will be doing my best to use as often (and as annoyingly,) as I possibly can.

• Outstanding: Possibly the best way to express one's respect. Not nearly enough people tell me I'm an outstanding guy.
  
• Pithy: I think it's fallen out of use because it sounds so much like "pissy." The two meanings really couldn't be any more different.
  
• Pissy: Nobody describes themselves as feeling pissy anymore. That makes me really pissy.
  
• Ouchmungous: To be fair, I don't think this is a real word. I'll be using it to describe an intense pain.
  
• Rollicking: As in "a rollicking good time." I have tons of those.
  
• Barfy: The only word that springs to my mind that can descibe a situation involving lots of vomit.
  
• Zounds: The word means "God's Wounds," but I'm not really sure what that's supposed to mean.
  
• Rousing: Sadly, whenever I refer to something as "a rousing success," people think I'm saying "an arousing success." Naturally this casts the success into a more negative light.
  
• Varlet: Because soooo many people out there are totally varlets.
• Neckerchief: These also need to make a comeback as a fashion item, not just a word.
• Sassy: This one is pretty much self-explanatory.
• Yeti: Much classier than "Bigfoot."
• Bespectacled: If people used this word, I would start wearing glasses.
• Foxy: For all those fine, foxy ladies out there.

Well, that's enough to start you out with. If you people start using these more often, I can make another list.